Year 10 persuasive article, Student B
19/40Fictional task and essays written for this example. Marked by Madlen against the teacher's rubric.
Total Score: 19/40
Overall Summary
This article presents a clear and consistent argument in favour of schools starting later, with relevant points about sleep, concentration, traffic and lateness. It also acknowledges a counter-argument, but the ideas are brief and mostly unsupported, which results in 6/12 for Argument and ideas.
The paragraphs are logically ordered and easy to follow, but the opening and conclusion are basic, the linking is mechanical, and the article is far below the requested 300–400 words. These limitations lead to 5/10 for Organisation and structure.
The headline and school-related examples provide a suitable starting point for a magazine article, earning 4/8 for Audience, purpose and tone. However, the piece does not directly address readers and sounds more like a short informal response than a polished publication. Clear meaning and some conditional structures are balanced by limited vocabulary, repetitive sentence patterns and several spelling, grammar and punctuation errors, giving 4/10 for Vocabulary, sentences and accuracy.
The total is 19/40, calculated as 6 + 5 + 4 + 4. The most important next steps are to expand the explanations, include stronger evidence, use a more engaging article style, and proofread carefully.
Criteria Evaluations
Criterion 1: Argument and ideas (6)
Description: The article must present a clear position either for or against the statement that schools should start later in the morning. The position should be developed with relevant reasons and evidence. The article must acknowledge a counter-argument and answer or rebut it.
Strengths:
- The position is clear from the opening statement, “I think school should start later,” and remains consistent throughout.
- The reasons about tiredness, concentration, traffic and lateness are relevant to school life.
- The article acknowledges a counter-argument by stating that some people may object because students would finish later.
Areas to Improve:
- Develop the effects of tiredness by explaining how later starts could improve concentration, memory, participation or academic performance.
- Support the traffic argument with a clearer explanation or specific example rather than simply stating that there would be less traffic.
- Expand the rebuttal to consider activities, transport, family routines and other consequences of finishing later.
- Write closer to the required 300–400 words so that each reason and the counter-argument can be properly developed.
Justification with Evidence:
This criterion received 6/12 because the article presents a clear position and gives relevant reasons, including “we would have more sleep” and the problem of traffic-related lateness. However, the claims are mostly asserted without evidence, and the response to the counter-argument is too brief: saying students “could still do homework after” does not fully address the practical disadvantages of a later finish.
Criterion 2: Organisation and structure (5)
Description: The article must have an engaging opening, logically ordered paragraphs, purposeful linking between ideas, and a strong conclusion. The structure should guide the reader clearly through the argument.
Strengths:
- The ideas follow a sensible sequence: tiredness and concentration, traffic and lateness, the counter-argument, and then the conclusion.
- Paragraph breaks make the main stages of the argument easy to identify.
- Basic signposting such as “Also,” “Some people might say,” and “In conclusion” helps the reader follow the overall direction.
Areas to Improve:
- Begin with a more engaging opening, such as a rhetorical question, vivid morning scene or striking observation.
- Use more purposeful transitions than “Also” to show how each point strengthens the argument.
- Make the conclusion do more than repeat the main opinion by summarising the key benefits and ending with a clear recommendation.
- Develop the short paragraphs so the structure feels like a complete magazine article rather than a brief opinion response.
Justification with Evidence:
This criterion received 5/10 because the article has a clear basic structure and logically places the counter-argument before the conclusion. Nevertheless, the opening is not engaging, the links between ideas are fairly mechanical, and the final sentence mainly repeats the introduction instead of providing a strong closing appeal.
Criterion 3: Audience, purpose and tone (4)
Description: The writing must follow article conventions, including a headline and direct address to readers. The tone must be suited to the purpose of arguing a position in a school magazine and appropriate for its school-based audience.
Strengths:
- The article includes a recognisable headline, “school should start later,” which clearly identifies the topic.
- References to “first lesson,” buses, traffic and homework are relatable to a school-based audience.
- The purpose is consistent and the accessible student-centred tone is broadly suitable for a school magazine.
Areas to Improve:
- Use a more engaging, correctly capitalised headline, such as “Why Our School Day Should Start Later.”
- Address readers directly with “you,” a rhetorical question or an invitation to consider their own experiences.
- Replace very casual phrases such as “Me and my friends” with more polished and confident language.
- Expand the article to the required length so it feels complete and publication-ready.
Justification with Evidence:
This criterion received 4/8 because the article has a headline, a clear persuasive purpose and relatable school-based details. However, the headline is plain and lowercase, readers are never directly addressed, and the informal tone and very short length prevent the piece from fully meeting school-magazine article conventions.
Criterion 4: Vocabulary, sentences and accuracy (4)
Description: The article must use ambitious, precise vocabulary and varied sentence structures. It must demonstrate accurate spelling, punctuation and grammar. Deductions should be based on actual spelling mistakes, incorrect or missing punctuation, and grammar errors, rather than on stylistic preferences when the writing is technically correct.
Strengths:
- The meaning remains clear throughout the article.
- Relevant vocabulary such as “concentrate,” “traffic,” “homework” and “sleep” fits the topic.
- The writer attempts conditional sentence structures, including “If school started later we would have more sleep.”
- Basic connectives such as “because,” “but,” “Also” and “In conclusion” help connect the ideas.
Areas to Improve:
- Use more precise and ambitious vocabulary, such as “sleep-deprived,” “alert,” “academic performance” and “commuters,” instead of repeatedly using general words such as “tired,” “better” and “people.”
- Correct the errors “Me and my friends,” “cant,” “alot” and “I dont” to “My friends and I,” “can’t,” “a lot” and “I don’t.”
- Add commas after introductory conditional clauses, as in “If school started later, we would have more sleep.”
- Vary sentence openings and structures instead of relying heavily on short sentences joined with “and” or “because.”
Justification with Evidence:
This criterion received 4/10 because the writing is understandable and includes some relevant vocabulary and conditional structures. However, vocabulary is simple and repetitive, sentence variety is limited, and definite errors such as “cant,” “alot,” “I dont” and “Me and my friends,” together with missing commas in conditional sentences, show inconsistent accuracy.